Hi ladies! So it has clearly been a while since I have blogged and there is good reason for that.
I have been sharing alot on our IG and in our private group about what is going on with me and now it is time to share on the blog and finally get back to myself a bit. The past few months I have been deep into training Randi to become a photography clone of me, and through that process Randi has photographed me quite a bit. I really have finally been able to have my own Self Love Experience….and what a time to have it since I am going through a divorce.
I had alot of people reach out to me after I shared about it to tell me how they connected to me and understood what I was going through. Even the most amicable and respectful of divorces can be excruciatingly painful when you are literally untangling nearly 10 years worth of tentacles from around your lives….but there had to be a point in time where the pain threshold for two people who care about each other is enough that you both say “Ok it is time to be happy.” and that is exactly what happened.
I will never forget the worst fight I ever had with my ex. There was a day we were arguing about something and I remember sitting on the floor next to my bed while he sat in the windowsil and looked me dead in the eye and told me “You will never be enough for me.” For 3 years I let those words radiate around in my head and in my heart and instead of focusing on healing myself, I threw myself deep into the work of healing my clients through photography…but as time went on those words began to erode part of my spirit, sort of like a leaking battery….I could feel the acid from my resentment seeping into me and causing me to be mean in return.
Here I was becoming someone I hated and all because I let the words of someone else affect me on such a deep level. I began to focus inwardly on growing myself and growing as a business owner and woman. I spent the time to get the help I needed for my health, for my soul and for my heart. It took me three years to finally realize that when my ex husband told me I would never be enough for him that it was not a statement to who I am as a woman or a mother or as a person….in fact, I know quite well the real answer is that I am simply too much for him…and that is ok.
I have learned that I don’t need to shrink myself and my personality down to make someone else feel more comfortable. I have learned that I am allowed to speak my mind and fight for the sanity of my home. I have learned that sometimes you can just simply be too much for someone….but that does not mean that you are too much for you. It just means that they are not your person.
So here I sit today, up since 4am, another guilty sleepless night….guilty for not blogging, for not sharing, for not being the open book on here that I promised you I would be. So….rather than wait to perfectly photoshop these images that Randi took of me, I am here sharing them…untouched, real, me.
Like my mother always made me repeat when I was growing up…”I am enough.”
ps: Happy International Women’s Day!