“Divorce is liberating. I turned 40 this year and my life keeps getting unexpectedly better. I always thought that was the worst thing that could happen in a marriage. I was wrong. Staying together for the kids, the convenience, or because you are afraid is the actually the worst. Staying complacent and stagnant is always a poor choice. I needed to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

I have experienced all forms of abuse, some at the same time. None were pleasant but I grew up with alcoholism from a loved one, was molested by an employer at age 16, physically then verbally and emotionally abused by my ex-husband. People wonder why I keep to myself, enjoy my solitude, have few close friends, and care only for the truth. All of the abuse has given me a significantly unhealthy level of pain tolerance and odd coping mechanisms. I only have a few tiny scars from that era of my life, one I plan to cover up with a tattoo soon. I assure you all karma does come for people, it just takes longer than you want it to. 

The verbal, psychological and emotional abuse were the worst. The scars and the pain left within my heart and soul are ones I have had to deal with long term. Physical scars are easy, they heal and you move on. I have spent many years working on myself but the last two years, ever since I have filed for divorce, have been the most painful and magnificent. Still learning much about who I truly am and changing the things I do not like. Learning to be vulnerable has been difficult, I always associated that word with weakness. Truthfully it takes a much stronger person to open themselves up and trust, especially after so much has happened. I’ve learned to ask for help from my trusted friends. 

The moment I saw the first photoshoot reveal I was in awe, this can’t be myself, this cannot be what I look like! She must have edited these hardcore, right? Nope these were the un-edited photos. Talk about imposter syndrome. Why could I not see what others had seen? My soul knew then I had a lot of work to do. I decided September 2019 during my last year of my master’s degree, I was going to divorce him. I wasn’t staying any longer, and told him I would file for this during my winter break of school. Which I did in January of 2020. That was a rough year for myself. Finishing my degree, working full-time, taking care of my kids, working in COVID icu’s on top of the day to day pandemic stuff, my son was graduating high school and leaving for the Marine Corps July 12th. Decided to take a job closer to home with steady hours in order to be more present for my daughter, 12 at the time. 

I chose and still choose to look at that time with a different perspective… My life was not falling apart, it was falling together. We always focus on the negative. Yes to some it would feel and appear my life was crashing down, quickly. Those crashing pieces were not crumbling and in a pile of rubble. They had all fallen in the right place. I was rebuilding my life by blowing up my old one, all at once. It can be done and refused to fail.

Fuck what society thinks. I say burn the bridges because you can build stronger ones the next time around, or you maybe you don’t need the bridge and can swim, or some places are not meant to be revisited. You decide what path you want to travel. Be your beautiful badass self, day in and out. If life gives you lemons you don’t always have to make lemonade, you could just chuck them back at life whole and tell it to fuck right off. 

I strive to be unapologetically myself these days, I am still a work in progress, always will be. Lindsay has helped me see myself more for who I actually am. Her perspective breathed life back into my own. Where had I gone? Why did I let this happen? I feel alive again and am enjoying the life I have created. While my broken road was not fun to travel it has made me who I am, and I am thankful for it.

-Melissa VanSlyke, a badass NP, mom and woman”